The Place: Lola Savannah

The Cup: It was Friday, so Jeff and I both decided to live it up. I had a chai latte, complete with a little cinnamon art on top. Jeff chose a yummy mocha frappe. We were both pleased with our choices.

The Background: I got an email the other day from my good pal Lance, which is always fun – because he’s either sharing some interesting news, generally tech or entrepreneur-related, or he’s introducing me to someone cool who he thinks I should meet for coffee.

He had just wrapped up a coffee of his own with Jeff, and before he pulled out of the parking lot, it seems, he shot me a note suggesting I get together with Jeff to hear his story. No more, no less. Well, he may have included the word “amazing” – which is all it takes to get me intrigued.

Lance was on point – as usual. Jeff’s story is amazing. And not just because of the series of quite remarkable events you will learn about that inserted exclamation points into his story every so often. Jeff’s story is amazing because of how he handled those surprises, and who he is in between the big moments. Really, Jeff’s story is amazing because he is. We’ll get into the whole shebang, but first, let’s cover some:

Common Grounds:

1. What’s your guilty pleasure? There’s pop music that I really have no business listening to – teeny-bopper stuff – that I really enjoy. I almost don’t want to go on record admitting it, but I will. I’ll stand by it (We won’t hold it against you, Jeff).
2. What’s the last thing you fixed? A broken toy or my wife’s computer.
3. What is the best place to eat in Austin? Lupe Tortilla’s (Jeff grew up near the original in Houston, so he gets a pass for recommending a chain restaurant.)
4. What is the best way to unwind? Music.
5. What is the last, best movie you saw? Emma from 1996 with Gwyneth Paltrow. I love the nobility of it. The main male role plays a very principled man. I love it.
6. What’s your go-to happy song? Lately it’s A Sky Full of Stars from Coldplay. I’ve listened to it a lot!
7. If you could take a year to get really good at something, what would you do? A musical instrument. I’m not sure if it’d be guitar or keyboard. My wife bought me this really cool guitar called a Fretlight (which has LED lights built into it to teach a person to play guitar). I struggle with it, though. I think my hands are too small or something.
8. What’s a food you can’t live without? Chocolate-covered almonds or peanuts.

Lone Star

Jeff is a Texas boy, born and bred. He grew up in Houston, stayed there to attend college at Rice University, and even his first job out of college (with Compaq) didn’t require leaving town. Though moving away wasn’t a necessity, Jeff’s wings were ready to spread and he was eager to see the world. So when Jeff had an opportunity to fulfill a lifelong dream of living abroad by taking a job in Amsterdam, you can imagine his excitement.

Like many big plans, real life events often look a little different than the image we conjured up. Soon after the Amsterdam job offer, Jeff was offered another job, in Austin. And when he compared the compensation, Jeff realized that by taking the Austin gig, he’d be able to work, work, work and save, save, save and eventually be able to take time off to travel to Amsterdam and beyond, without necessarily having to work while doing so.

This felt like a smart compromise, and in 2001 Jeff moved to Austin. Not long after moving to town, Jeff met a girl – Gi Gi. An artist with a similar love of travel, sense of adventure and passion for drinking in all life has to offer. They fell in love. A little more than a year after meeting, Jeff planned a secret, spring break trip to Gi Gi’s favorite place on the planet – Disney, where he would propose to his sweetheart.

Change of Plans

Just before the big trip, Jeff and Gi Gi were out dancing with friends in San Antonio, and Jeff’s eye began giving him trouble. He describes it as acting in a similar way as a lazy eye. Jeff admits he was a typical guy and shrugged it off as not that big of deal. Gi Gi, on the other hand, had the opposite response. While Jeff thought he’d just make an eye appointment the following Monday, Gi Gi was convinced they needed to head to the emergency room. Reluctantly, Jeff agreed to go. Gi Gi packed up a game of Trivial Pursuit (how smart is she!?!) and off to the ER they went.

Once the doctor finally saw him, he did the whole “follow my pen with your eyes” shtick and determined an MRI was needed. It was Sunday night, and the doctor explained that a radiologist wasn’t there to interpret the scans, so they’d have to do so remotely. He prepared them that it would take a while. Thankfully they had the Trivial Pursuit and nowhere else they needed to be, so they settled in. Around 2 AM, the doctor came in and said he has the results of the scan, and then said the words that rarely precedes good news: “You’re going to want to sit down for this.”

Sitting

Jeff and Gi Gi learned that there was a large tumor on Jeff’s brain stem. The doctor said that judging by the shape of it, it looked benign, but that they’d need to wait for the neurologist to arrive to discuss it further and talk about next steps.

The neurologist confirmed that Jeff had a tumor called a meningioma and determined that surgery was definitely required, and quickly.

Jeff wasn’t ready to let this guy cut his head open without first asking a few questions – like, “How many of these have you done?” When the doctor said “This is a a rare tumor. I’ve done three; you’ll be my fourth,” Jeff said, “No, I won’t.”

As luck would have it, Jeff had a friend whose dad was a neurologist in Arkansas, and knew the man who had pioneered this surgery and who had performed over 120 of them at the time. Jeff had no interest in being a Guinea pig and opted to put his faith and his future in the hands of an expert.

Twenty hours over two days. That’s how long the surgery took. It was another year before Jeff had mostly recovered. Immediately after the surgery, Jeff could not talk, write, swallow, or walk. I wondered if this was something he was prepared for and he admits though he’d signed off on forms with what seemed like hundreds of possible negative outcomes of the surgery, he wasn’t quite prepared to have to relearn so many basic skills.

Not As Expected

Gi Gi dropped everything and was at Jeff’s side throughout the entire process. The proposal that was supposed to happen at the most magical place on earth, ended up happening as they prepared for the surgery. Jeff tells me Gi Gi’s family was there and he felt like it was the perfect opportunity to ask for their permission and to make his intentions official. I have a feeling that the moment itself had enough magic to make the location thoroughly insignificant.

Surgery was not able to get all of the tumor, so radiation was required. Jeff and Gi Gi researched and researched and found a hospital in Boston doing proton beam therapy, which Jeff goes on to explain to me, but at the words “quantum physics” he lost me. So let’s just say while normal radiation therapy not only kills the bad cells, it does a lot of collateral damage, and leaves a trail of crumbs that someday could gang up and start causing trouble again. The proton beam therapy goes in, wipes out the bad guys and blam-o, disappears. No crumbs. No gang. No trouble. {Let’s face, it, with an explanation like that, I will, undoubtedly, be published in a medical journal someday.}

A move to Boston for three months of weekly treatments was required. With a wedding planned for March in Playa del Carmen, Jeff and Gi Gi had to take a deep breath and cross their fingers that the treatment would not be met with a single delay. Treatment began in January and luckily, not a single session was missed and the pair was married in front of family in friends just as planned.

Finding Peace

We all have list of things that scare the crap out of us. We have that “big fear” checklist and my guess is that a brain tumor is on more lists than not. Which makes me ask Jeff if he was terrified – particularly going into surgery. He told me he went into it with a sense of peace. He says that Gi Gi jokes that he’s a droid and he admits he’s never been overly emotional. He went on to tell me he had almost a sense of calling about how to respond to the situation and felt this was his opportunity to set an example for how to be in the face of chaos and uncertainty. He said his parents were freaking out (of course) and he softly chuckles as he says, “I don’t know. I felt like exercising control would set a good example.”

So what’s different? A person doesn’t go through something as major as this and come out unchanged, do they? No. Well, not Jeff. He tells me, “I’ve always had a life plan. I’ve always been a goal setter. And I’ve been lucky to have achieved my goals.” Jeff learned that try as we might to control the course we’re on and to prepare for the outcomes, so much is out of our hands. Jeff shared that before his brain tumor, his big life plan was to work, make a bunch of money and then spend it philanthropically.  Jeff says, “I learned that you can’t force things and you can’t accelerate things.” He realized that what matters most to you needs to be a priority today. You cannot afford to put the big stuff off.

Stories We Tell

Something else Jeff learned was the power of our thoughts. He talked to me about framing, and a concept called “counterfactual thinking” – which he explains with this – “The way we interpret the events in life is by thinking about what didn’t happen.” In essence, it’s a fiction we create to help us explain why something happened or to assign meaning to it. Jeff says not only do we assign meaning, but that we each have a bias – positive or negative. A little reading I did on ChangingMinds.org offered this perfect example that illustrates Jeff’s point:

Silver medal winners do it all the time. The closeness to winning causes much regret and they need to excuse themselves for their ‘failure’. In a reverse effect, Bronze medal winners often feel lucky to get a medal, as they were very close to not getting a medal at all.

Should you find yourself on the Debbie Downer side of that bias, fear not. You can change. Neuroplasticity is the fancy, science-y term that confirms this. And Jeff is living, walking, talking proof of the brain’s incredible power to not only heal, but to adapt and improve and to create new pathways and circuits to overcome damage and dysfunction.

Perspective

Jeff says that survivors often say they wouldn’t trade their experience because of what they’ve been given as a result of it. Jeff says, “Surviving gives you something else to think about. Suddenly, you have a very real, other possible outcome. It gives you perspective; a new lens with which to view the world. John Milton wrote, ‘The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.’ I still have my negative moments, walking around my house, for example,  thinking, ‘why are the kids so messy? Why do the pets shed all their hair?’ but then I catch myself.” Emotion fills the air, and a tiny bit trickles down cheeks, and Jeff finishes, “I catch myself and I think. ‘At least my kids are still with me. Life is good.’ That was my big take-away. You have to think about what really matters to you and let that guide you.”

I ask Jeff about his finest character trait and he tells me it’s diplomacy; his ability to see both sides. He says, “In just about anyone’s flaws I can see something in myself. Because I can see that, I can see both sides and I can explain the other’s point of view to the other party.”

And how about his worst character trait? Jeff says, “I’m impatient. And I fear failure. I know that failure offers a great opportunity for learning and yet I still fear failing and it stops me from doing things because I’m a perfectionist. I read your interview with Jefre and that line – ‘whose boat are you rowing?’ That’s a powerful metaphor. Why do we do things based on how we think others will perceive them? I know that’s a huge character flaw for me. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what someone else thinks about what you’re doing – especially if you’re trying to do something good. So I’m working on that.”

A Bright Future

If Jeff had 30 seconds to make a speech to the world, his message is this, “You’ve gotta keep a positive outlook. Every situation could be viewed as, “It could be worse.” or “It could be better.” But the outcome will depend on which one of those things you spend your time and energy focusing on. That will become your reality. Going back to that Milton quote…’life can be made a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven’. So you have to keep looking for the positive outcome; viewing things through a positive lens. And even if after doing that, things still don’t turn out how you think they should – you have to remember that not everything happens on your time scale. You have keep hoping and being positive. And realize it will come about – when the time is right.”

I used to think that if I planned everything out, just so, that I could be in control. And control was the thing I thought I wanted more than anything. To me, control meant no surprises; no blindsides. And when you were in the driver’s seat, you had the freedom to go wherever you wanted.

What I have learned (and continue to relearn over and over) is that being in control is a fallacy. Or at least, the control that I was seeking – control over the future. When I reframe that, looking at it through a positive lens, I can see how a lack of control is actually the key to true freedom. The future is totally out of my control – how lucky for me! I can stop worrying about it.

Jeff’s story is a powerful reminder that plans change and when they do, we have a choice. Be discouraged, resentful and angry. Or, view the situation as an opportunity to learn and grow. We are shaped by our life experiences, but as Jeff so perfectly points out – the lens we see the world through and the story we tell ourselves and others matter most. The thoughts that we have play the biggest role in determining our happiness. And the best part is, if we find we’ve been putting a negative spin on the story, we can catch ourselves and start telling a new one.

Thinking about my time with Jeff; listening to his amazing (Lance was right) story, I am reminded of the absolute beauty of humanity. And the power another’s story has to influence and inspire.  Jeff’s story is a story of a fighter, a survivor and an optimist. It is his story, and it is our story. Because it’s the human story. When we surrender control over circumstance, and take full responsibility for the spin, we can see the good everywhere.  To borrow a line from Jeff’s favorite song, “You’re a sky full of stars. You get lighter the more it gets dark.”

I think we can all agree, the world could use more light, and more stars like Jeff illuminating those dark skies. Like the pop music he loves so much, Jeff’s attitude is upbeat, easy, and lucky for all of us, catchy.

If you enjoyed this interview, “Like” the Coffee With A Stranger Project Facebook page and you’ll be the first to know about upcoming interviews with new strangers and other fun stuff. If there’s someone in Austin you think I need to have coffee with, let me know and I’ll do my best to sweet talk them into having coffee with a stranger.