The Place: Tom’s Tabooly

The Cup: Iced coffee for both Sam and I.

The Background: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Austin is a very big small town. You live here long enough, and I think you’ll agree. Here’s a perfect example. A few months after moving here nearly two years ago, I attended an event called the Social Good Summit. It took place in The Alamo Drafthouse theater. As we waited for the event to begin, I struck up a conversation with the guy next to me and learned that he was a comedian whose comedy took on big topics such as social justice, gender and identity. Pretty hard to forget a guy like that.

Fast forward about 18 months to an email I got from my pal, Cup 7, Ruben Cantu, introducing me to his friend Sam. He suggested he’d be an interesting stranger to have coffee with. Ruben mentioned Sam was a social justice comedian. What? Another one? No way! Sure enough, nope, not another one…the SAME one!

Before we get into Sam’s story, let’s cover some:

Common Grounds:

1. What’s a food you can’t live without? Hummus. I’d say 70% of my diet is some form of chickpeas. The other 30% is stuff like mints I found in my bag, and beer, I guess.
2. What’s your guilty pleasure? Taylor Swift – I was actually listening to her when you walked in.
3. How did you make your first buck? My uncle owned a bar. When I was 10, I’d stand on a chair and play pool against all these drunk guys. My uncle hustled me and he says he made thousands off of me. He probably gave me like $40. Pool hustler – that was my first job.
4. What is the last thing you fixed? My suitcase. I’ve gone through so many of them. I finally decided I was going to stop being a throw-away person, and it’s now this wooden Franken-suitcase. I reinforced it with wood and glue and staples. I don’t really have tools; I’m a person who lives in an apartment. I don’t have a need for tools. So it’s held together with glue, staples, tape, gum, hummus. I’m probably going to have to throw it away.
5. What’s the best compliment you ever got? That’s an interesting question. Most of the things people tell me are back-handed compliments. People always think I’m gay. So a lot of the compliments I get are like, “You have really pretty eyes. It’s too bad you’re gay.”  Someone did tell me recently that she has a theory that the funniest people are the ones who have the most infectious laughs. So it was a double compliment, because she was telling me how funny I was and that I had an infectious laugh. And she didn’t say “It’s too bad you’re gay,” afterwards. So that was really cool!
6. What’s your favorite place to eat in Austin? Bouldin Creek Cafe.
   
7. What’s your favorite way to unwind? Comedy is good. I play video games online. And I play guitar. I’m good at a lot of stuff, but I’m terrible at anything musical. I’ve been playing for years, and I’m not any better than when I started. But I don’t care. I love it!
8. If you could swap lives with someone for a day, who would you pick? Ellen DeGeneres. She’s so funny. She’s my role model as a person. If I ever get to go on her show, that’ll be it. I’ll retire and go work at a miniature golf place or something.

As a kid, Sam spent a lot of time getting used to new places and new faces. He tells me his family moved at least 20 times growing up. He was born in Illinois and spent most of his high school years in Michigan City, Indiana, but between those two dots on the map, the family put in many miles.

Sam doesn’t linger on childhood memories, but does let me know that money wasn’t something his family had in excess, so when he learned he’d get to go to Purdue University, it was a huge moment. He said, “I wan’t expecting to be able to go to college.”

You Make Me Laugh!

Sam has a very unique profession – he’s a social justice comedian. He’s also an author who quite recently wrote, illustrated and published his first book,  The Social Justice Advocate’s Handbook: A Guide To Gender.

Austin is home to Sam, but the majority of the year he spends in new places, in front of new faces, sharing his message, which could be summed up in the infamous Salt-n-Pepa lyrics, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.” Like his book, his comedy is focused on the topics of sexuality, gender and identity. Which unfortunately, many of us assume is sort of all the same thing. Sam is shedding light on this difficult subject and finds humor is the perfect vehicle to drive his message home. Humor, Sam says, “Is the sugar that helps the medicine go down. These are intense topics; almost too personal, and humor helps.”

Where does this desire to get on a stage and try to get people to laugh come from? For Sam, it’s not the limelight that he seeks. He tells me, “I just love making people laugh. There’s nothing like it.” Comedy has been a lifelong ambition for Sam – it’s a profession he’s been working at since he was 17. Sam tells me, “I always wanted to be a comedian, or a momma Grizzly Bear.”

Dream Big

The perplexed look on my face makes Sam smile and he goes on to tell me a story about being on a road trip when he was 10 years old. They’d stopped at a rest area and Sam walked up to what he thought was a cage full of puppies. Turns out they were baby Grizzlies. The trainer had rescued them, and they were being transported somewhere safe. The trainer asked Sam, would he like to bottle feed a cub? Yes! He absolutely would! Sam describes holding the tiny ball of fur (and teeth and claws) and as he fed the little guy, it purred and made happy baby bear sounds. He was smitten and declared at that moment his desire to be a momma Grizzly Bear. Sam tells me there’s still time and he’s not given up on the dream just yet.

“I am obsessive when it comes to learning,” Sam shared, “which is how I ended up with a whole bunch of weird skills – like I can do video editing, I can do animation, I can paint, I’ve done photography – all of these things I’ve done professionally. It’s really quite absurd. So when I went to college, I did college really hard. I studied everything I could. I majored in Law and Society and German and I have minors in Russian, Forensic Science, Theater and Sociology. Then in grad school I studied College Student Personnel, which is all about how college students develop and grow. Most of my classmates work at universities; I’m sort of the black sheep of my grad program.”

It’s Personal

I am so curious what led Sam to focus on gender, sexuality and identity. I wonder if, like most choices we make in life, it’s personal. He tells me there is a story he didn’t share until recently. And the first time he told it, he was on stage. He says it was terrible, but it was good. There were tears, but they were necessary.

Sam shares with me a story from his childhood that is painful to hear. I can’t imagine how hard it was to make sense of as a kid. Sam was in second grade and because his family didn’t have much money, he wore hand-me-down clothes. On this particular day, Sam was wearing a shirt that once belonged to his older sister. Kids can be cruel; even in the 2nd grade. Sam says, “I got the shit kicked out of me for ‘being a girl’.” That was the first time Sam recalled feeling at odds with gender and identity.

Straight Talk

Which leads us to the answer Sam gave when I ask him what people would be surprised to learn about him. “That I’m straight. College was the first time I realized that people thought I was gay.” Apparently, this is a misconception that follows Sam even today. Or perhaps especially today – considering the topic he speaks on, which likely leads people to the conclusion that it’s an issue he struggles with.

They wouldn’t be entirely wrong. Sam says, “I have this unique experience of being a straight man, but people perceive me as gay or queer. This allows me to have conversations with both sides.” Sam says, “I am a feminine man, which has nothing to do with my sexuality. Gender is this lens through which we see everything, including ourselves. There are so many people who say, ‘I would love to be ___ or ___, but I can’t because of ___ or ___.’ I want to help people understand themselves and understand others. People will be much happier and more comfortable with themselves if they’re afforded the opportunity to have conversations and explore who they are. And gender is such an integral part of that.”

Who Are You, Exactly?

Sam and I get into a rather lengthy discussion on the subject and I find myself considering a topic that I can’t recall ever thinking about prior. I have always assumed that gender and sexuality was pretty black and white. You are male, female or transgender; you are gay, straight or bi-sexual. After chatting with Sam, I realize it’s much less like a toggle button and much more like a scale. An infinite scale. Our unique combination of gender and sexuality is as unique to us as our fingerprint. For Sam, the ultimate triumph is a world where, at once, we all understand this truth about the complexity and diversity and figure out our own unique place on the scale, but that the label you choose doesn’t matter. The way we care for, love and treat each other has nothing to do with the label we wear.

Haters Gonna Hate

Sam shares with me the ugly side of his business. He gets a lot of hate mail. A lot of angry (scared) people write him and speak out against him, suggesting he’s trying to destroy traditional family values. Sam says when he sits down with someone one on one, he only has to ask them four or five questions before they say, “OK, maybe there’s something to this.” And yet, he marvels at the fact that with 7 billion people on this planet, we’re supposed to agree that we can just simply divide them into two groups.  3.5 billion people are male and 3.5 billion are female. It’s just not that black and white.

Despite these dark moments, if happiness were the national currency, Sam tells me, “I’d be a comedian. I feel like happiness is my currency. I’d do exactly what I’m doing now.”

Clearing Up The Confusion

Sam’s message is getting across and it’s resonating with people in a big way. The most significant thing that’s happened for Sam in the last 30 days is an interview he did with TIME Magazine. He tells me Facebook recently added 50 or so gender identity options and the reporter wanted Sam to help make sense of it all. He says, “It feels good to be helpful.”

What qualities does Sam like in another person? He says, “Honesty, a sense of humor, and a strong affection for hummus. What I really love, though, are people who are unabashedly themselves.”

What’s Your Intention?

How about some advice that had an impact on Sam? He tells me that’s a tough one to answer. He’s working on a project that he admits may never be complete, but he’s compiling advice from people who’ve been an influence in his life and writing about the advice, the person and what the lesson has meant to him. Sounds great! Sam does share this: “Be open and honest with your intentions and about what you’re looking for – whether it’s in relationships, in your career or your relationship with the world. Don’t grade your own test. Put it out there and let others decide to be with you or not.”

I wonder what’s something Sam believed to be true for a long time, but now knows differently.  He says, “Well, obviously the male/female thing. But also, for a long time I thought I had insomnia. I maybe get ten hours of sleep a week. I go long periods of sleeping for just an hour or two a night and then I’ll hibernate for some time. Recently, I was up all night working and I worked until noon. I fell asleep and woke up at 5pm. I learned that I sleep really well from noon to five. So I’ve decided I might be nocturnal. I’m not sure that’s an actual thing, but it might be. And if so, I have that.” I’m not sure if it’s a thing or not. But I do know that Grizzly Bears are nocturnal and enjoy hibernation. That can’t be a coincidence.

The New Golden Rule

With 30 seconds to make a speech to the world, I expect Sam would have a whole lot to say. He surprises me with an answer that’s as eloquent as it is brief: “The golden rule is broken. Don’t treat people how you want to be treated – treat them how they want to be treated. And if you do nothing else, make the people in your life, especially the people you have influence over, feel completely unashamed of who they are.”

Let that idea sink in. Wow! That’s huge! I’m reminded of something Brené Brown said: “We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame.” No one wants to feel shame. It’s one of the emotions we all seek to avoid. But it’s interesting that the areas where we hold shame are the areas we’re most eager to judge in others. There are many ways this is applicable, but perhaps no more obvious place than in the topic so important to Sam. Defining who we are; being willing to accept that our label is our own. We have a unique place in this world, and that doesn’t make for a lonely life, but rather, an interesting one. One where we have the freedom to be unabashedly ourselves, where we love and accept one another, and where shame has no place. Shaming someone has absolutely nothing to do with the person the judgment is directed toward. It’s a reflection of what’s going on inside of the judger. The best way to stop the shame is to be okay with who you are. And if that happens to be a momma Grizzly Bear, that’s cool. We love you just the same.

To learn more about Sam Killermann or to book him to speak at an event, visit his site or take a look at his TEDx Talk. Also, check out his book The Social Justice Advocate’s Handbook: A Guide To Gender

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