Click Here For Audio Version of Cup 88, Jim Harper

The Place:  Russell’s Bakery

The Cup: Iced tea for Jim, and Hibiscus iced tea for me.

The Background: Here’s a first – Jim is the father of a former stranger. Interesting, right?!? Early on in the project, I had the great fortune to be introduced to Cup 5, Steve Harper, who literally wrote the book on connecting with people in a meaningful way. The Ripple Effect is an amazing book that everyone should read! If you are lucky enough to live in Austin, you should attend an 8 Minute Ripple, and see how much fun networking can be when it’s flipped on its side.

Steve has shared many stories about his dad over the time I’ve known him, and I knew Jim was my kind of guy! So when Steve emailed to let me know his dad was in town and available for coffee, I seized the opportunity and rearranged my schedule to make the coffee happen. I’m so glad I did!

Whose Story Is This?

On the drive home, reflecting on my visit with Jim, I was impressed by so many interesting qualities. One that really stood out what what a great story-teller he was. Interestingly, most of the stories he told were about other people. He told stories about his mother not wanting to live in the armpit of New Mexico; stories about his dad’s career in banking, and later in real estate. I heard stories about friends Jim met while he served in the Air Force – one friend who wanted a recommendation from Jim so he could run for mayor, and another who bought a Winnebago and traveled the country buying and selling Native American rugs, jewelry and art. Jim’s eyes lit up as he shared these stories, and I knew this was a man who cared about people and was interested in their journeys. My kind of guy!

I did manage to uncover pieces of Jim’s incredible life story, but before we dig in, let’s cover some:

Common Grounds:

1. What’s a food you can’t live without? Kale. {We’ll get into this answer in a bit and it will make total sense.} Also, green and red chilies. I love anything spicy.
2. How did you make your first buck? It was less than bucks, but it was mowing yards when I was a kid. After that, my dad got me a job working for his friend who owned a pharmacy. I delivered prescriptions on a motor scooter. For my age, in middle school, that was pretty good bucks.
3. What is your favorite thing to do while you’re in Austin? It’s either going fishing or watching the boys {Jim’s grandsons} play soccer.
4. If you could swap lives with someone for a day, who would you pick? Steve. I think it would be fun. I always say, “He’s having more fun than the law should allow.” He just enjoys what he’s doing. I tolerated my work, but he enjoys his.
5. What’s your favorite way to unwind? Wood carving and jewelry making. I had to have a hobby away from work, which I wasn’t that enamored with. So I would go to the garage and do stuff out there. Probably a missed opportunity to play with the kids. Now, it’s reading. If the Kindle hadn’t come out with text to speech, I don’t know where I’d be.
6. What is your idea of a perfect day? Going out and catching a big fish.

Three months after he was born in Clovis, New Mexico, Jim Harper’s parents decided Albuquerque was the place to be, so they packed up and moved. Jim stayed in Albuquerque until, as he says, “30 nanoseconds after I graduated from college, Janet and I moved to California.”

Ready for Adventure

Janet was Jim’s high school sweetheart. The pair married between Jim’s Junior and Senior years in college. After graduation, the lovebirds were were ready to leave home and have an adventure. Jim was in ROTC, and was waiting to be commissioned. When he heard about a great program at Shell Oil that would increase the pay he’d make as an officer, the couple agreed – California would do. But just three months into their stay, Jim got orders and soon, he and Janet were packed up and headed east – to Long Island.

After just over three years, Jim got out of the Air Force and by this time, his family had grown by one. Having felt like they didn’t really get to adequately experience living in California, the three Harpers chose to head back to the Golden State, where they would stay for the next 10 years – adding two daughters to the family in that time.

Rethinking Priorities

Jim went back to work for Shell, and the couple had many friends who worked in refineries in the area. Tragedy struck one day. There was an explosion at one of the refineries, and their friend and neighbor had been severely injured. Jim tells me about having to pick up the man’s wife and bring her to the hospital. I can see the memory is fresh, and Jim simply says, “That was a hard day.”

The man later died from complications and the event sent shockwaves through the community and made many people rethink working in oil refining – including Jim. After being away from home for a total of 13 years, Jim and Janet and their three kiddos headed back to Albuquerque to be closer to family. Once they got there, they added one more to their own family – my pal Steve.

Tested

Jim has been in Albuquerque ever since. Five years ago, his beloved Janet passed away. The last 10 years of their marriage proved that Jim would make good on his vows – for better or worse; in sickness and in health; in good times and in bad. Janet had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and the disease took a grip on her fairly quickly and never let go. But neither did Jim.

The knot in his throat couldn’t mask the pride in his voice when he told me he was able to care for her at home the entire time. It wasn’t easy. Jim doesn’t say as much, but he doesn’t have to. I asked him early in our conversation what event in his life shaped him most as a person, and he said it was being married. He added, “We got along well and we made good decisions together. We knew how to have a good time and not take each other too seriously. We had fun together. We were married for 54 years; not many people today can say that, even if they add up all their marriages.”

Not Giving Up

If you find yourself in awe of Jim’s strength and character, just wait. The same year Janet was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, Jim became legally blind. He had Macular Degeneration and his vision had failed quickly. Not one to just lay down and accept bad news, Jim went to a conference to hear about the latest treatments for the disease. This is where he met a homeopathic ophthalmologist who had written a book, was selling vitamins and was suggesting eating large quantities of leafy greens.

Jim decided it was worth a shot and began eating kale by the bunches. I ask if he blends it up and makes a shake with the stuff, like I do. {I’m here to tell you, berries, banana, pineapple and mango do a lot to make the stuff palatable!} Nope – no shakes for Jim. He says he grabs a big bunch and sets off for a one-hour walk with his dog, munching on the greens the whole way. Why an hour? Jim tells me that’s how long it takes for him to get through his dose. Whoa!

Hail to the Kale

Jim’s been practicing this ritual at least four days a week for the last 1o or so years. Why? Because after munching on kale for about a year, he was sitting at the bus stop, white cane in hand, when suddenly he realized he could read the bus route sign. His vision continued to improve, and eventually Jim progressed from being legally blind all the way up to driving again. In fact, he has his driver’s license still today. He says, “I credit the kale. I should be the poster boy for kale or something.” Yes, he should!

I ask Jim what his “Golden Rule” is, and he considers it for a moment, chuckles, and says, “Well, the Golden Rule is a good one. But I’d also say, I’ve learned to keep an open mind and listen to others. That’s a good Golden Rule.”

Good Mistakes

Always the jokester, when I ask Jim what the best mistake he ever made was, he’s quick to let me know he doesn’t make any. He goes on to tell me it was probably his job selection. After being in the military where you are assigned a job, Jim stayed on the same path that had been laid for him. Through the course of our conversation, Jim shared with me some regret he had over not making a change. In fact, a lesson he says he wished he’d learned sooner is one that he learned from his son. Jim says, “Steve had the guts to get out and go do something different. I wish I had done what Steve did – got out there and explored; said, ‘This isn’t working,’ and then gone out and done something different.”

Jim isn’t a man to wallow in regret; he finds the silver lining in anything. Jim has taken on a lofty task at his church in his role on the vestry. He wants to figure out why churches have such a hard time being self-sustaining and then find a way to fix the problem. He’s done extensive research on the subject and has a few theories. But he credits his time spent in engineering and project management with his ability to dissect the problem and examine it from all angles.

Unexpected Teachers

What is some advice that has had an impact on Jim? Again, it was something from Steve. Jim says, “He’s good at relationships. I was an only child and an engineer – that was a double whammy when it came to relating to people. There is a banner at Steve’s house that says, ‘Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.'” We both have a laugh at this. Then Jim’s voice cracks a bit and he says,”I want to have one made that says, ‘Wisdom is hereditary. You get it from your son.’ That’s good advice. Pay attention to your son. Whack him if you have to, but listen to him.” Jim has a great sense of humor. And a heart full of emotion.

Family First

The biggest issue facing society today, according to Jim, is the disintegration of the family. He says that advances in technology are great for a lot of things, but technology also serves as a divider and inhibits our connections with those right around us. He remarks about families he sees, each one with a device in their hands, heads down, in their own worlds. I agree, those are missed opportunities.

Human Connection

A daily ritual  that Jim tells me is paramount to his happiness and well-being (aside from his daily kale) is dining out. He jokes, “My idea of cooking is warming up whatever I brought home in styrofoam the day before.” It’s not really the food that he’s there for – the ritual feeds his soul.

“I believe that going out to eat is what allowed me to keep Janet at home all those years. It was the social contact I needed. Every day we went out to eat or to Starbucks. We made a lot of connections that way. I’ve kept it up – often going to the same places I used to take Janet and a lot of the same people still work there. I go to the places where they were good to her,” Jim shares.

Practice Kindness

Another tradition he and Janet started, which Jim has carried on, is practicing random acts of kindness. Jim says he and Janet used to look around a restaurant or coffee shop and select someone who looked like they could use some kindness. They would pay for their meal, or buy them a gift certificate. Jim says this often led to great conversations with the recipients. They enjoyed bringing a little magic to people’s lives.

Now, Jim has a soft spot for people who are caring for others. I ask him to tell me a recent example, and he tells me about a man who walked into the restaurant hunched over, on a walker. He was accompanied by a grumpy-looking old woman who Jim correctly assumed was the man’s wife. Jim observed the pair and decided to buy them a gift certificate. He walked to their table, laid it down and said, “Your next meal’s on me.” The woman looked at him with bewilderment and asked, “What is this?” He explained the gift certificate and how it worked. Turns out that this was the first time in their 90-some years that anyone had ever given them a gift certificate. The woman was moved and they shared some great conversation. Jim adds, “And she was much nicer than I thought she’d be. I shouldn’t have assumed she was grumpy.”

Inspiration

If given 30 seconds to make a speech to the world, Jim’s message is this: “Get the family together. Stay in touch and stay in harmony. Where are your priorities? Figure that out. We probably aren’t going to fix the Middle East. We probably won’t find the missing plane {Flight MH370, a missing Malaysian jet currently in the news}. Find a way to be an inspiration to someone else. It happens one person at a time.”

Jim is a remarkable man, with an incredible story. He reminds us to never give up the fight – whether it’s caring for the people you love, or doing what you can to heal your ailments and your heart. Life is not without occasional regret – should’ves and could’ves – but if you examine it from the right angle, you will see the silver lining and discover the gifts in the “mistakes”.  And know that no matter what your struggles, someone else is facing something even harder. When you choose to offer kindness instead of complaint, your burdens are made lighter by the joy you bring to others and to yourself. Find a way to be an inspiration.

I started off thinking it funny how Jim, in telling his own story, couldn’t help but tell the stories of other people. I felt myself fine-tuning my questions in an attempt to pull more of Jim out and get him into the spotlight. What I understand now is the wisdom Jim offered by example. Our stories don’t exist in a vacuum. A well-lived life is one where it’s impossible to tell where one person’s story ends and another’s begins. In fact, our stories aren’t all separate, but instead are all parts of one common story, and we each just have our own versions. The goal isn’t to be in the spotlight. The goal is to live your life in such a way that you touch as many lives as possible, inspire as many people as you can, and spread kindness everywhere you go. Then your story will be told by the people whose lives were made better because you were there.