It Started With A Quote

I could never have predicted the impact that quote would have on my life. I read the words of Charlie “Tremendous” Jones and was struck by their truth. And the truth of the statement made me immediately wonder how I was doing. An avid reader, I decided to give myself a solid B+ on the book part. But the people part I wasn’t so sure about. Who was I becoming? And more importantly, who was I allowing to shape my future self?

For those not familiar with the genesis of Coffee With A Stranger, you can get the full story here.  But the gist is, I took that quote to heart and decided I would be more deliberate about adding unfamiliar and fascinating faces to my life. It started with a guy a met in a class, who was asking the most interesting, thought-provoking questions. I thought, “I’d like to talk to him.” Shortly after, realized I had the perfect excuse to do so. An email and a few days later, Deep Nasta was Cup #1. And as of last week, I’ve had 99 others.

People always ask, “Who is the most interesting person you’ve met?” Totally logical question. One I’d ask too, if the project weren’t my own. I will apologize now for the cheese factor in my answer – but it’s the truth. Everyone is the most interesting person I’ve ever met. In that moment, face to face, sitting at a tiny table in a crowded coffee shop – the soundtrack of life and conversation playing in the background, it’s just me and my stranger du jour, sharing conversation over coffee – and they are the most fascinating person in the universe. I ask, they answer, and their life story unfolds gloriously before my eyes.

Sure, everyone and every conversation is different. With some, I have a harder time connecting. Try as I might to disarm, there is a barrier up that just can’t be completely punched through. With others, and most often, I find myself leaning in, nodding my head, smiling at the commonalities in their story and mine. We laugh, my strangers and I, because sometimes life is funny. And occasionally we cry, because life is complex, and sometimes it’s sad or overwhelming or uncertain. We talk and talk and the opening becomes wider, revealing more and more. We share because it feels good. It feels nice to listen and to be listened to.

Some Highlights

As you might imagine, though everyone’s story is incredible in their own way, some experiences I’ve had along the way bubble up to the top as unique or special. Some are uncomfortable, shocking, and in hindsight, hilarious. Allow me to share.

Pretty early in the project, I arrived early for coffee with a guy at a hip coffee shop in downtown Austin. As I sat there, I realized I’d forgotten to look up a picture of him, so I went to the LinkedIn app on my phone and voila! I had a tiny, grainy picture that wasn’t perfect, but I figured should get the job done.

I scanned every guy that walked in the door during that busy morning and gave any that looked even close to what I was expecting a tiny smile. Most made eye contact, smiled back at me and then headed to the counter to order. Until the guy walked in who fit the description and returned my tiny smile with a big one of his own signifying recognition and proceeded to walk over to me. Which is precisely how it always goes.

His smile was so warm and though I definitely didn’t know this guy, he felt familiar. It was really nice, and I just knew I was going to like him. I made a note to myself to be more generous with my smiles and enthusiastic in my greetings with strangers.

Smiley got to the table and I stood up preparing to shake his hand or give him a small hug. I let the stranger make the first move on that one and I’m fine with either option. I am of the camp that believes the world could use more hugging, so I always welcome one. Interesting side note – not all coffees start with a hug, but I’d say 90%+ end with one. Arms outstretched, Smiley came at me and as I opened up for a little hug, he embraced me and pulled me to him, wrapping me up in his arms, his hand on the small of my back and holding me in a way that felt overtly intimate. The surprise of the whole thing left me rag-doll like and when at last he loosened his embrace, he looked into my face. My face, which obviously showed shock mixed with confusion and a bit of terror. His expression soon matched mine and quickly turned to mortification. “Tabitha?”, he asked, looking me over very carefully. “No. Melissa.” I managed to say.

Both equally embarrassed, we stood there explaining ourselves. I told him I was meeting someone I’d never met for an interview – offering my reason for willingly hugging some random dude. I could tell he was looking for the right words to explain the level of his affection for someone he wouldn’t be able to correctly pick out in a police line-up, and assuming he couldn’t find them, simply told me he thought I was Tabitha. Yeah, got that. Clearly the relationship between Smiley and Tabitha was intimate and complicated – as that was not the hug you give someone you can’t identify in the daylight. Luckily, we both laughed it off and went about our days. Me, a little more cautious and careful in finding a picture of my stranger and Smiley, I can only hope, a little better at keeping his ladies straight.

Dreams Come True

For those of you who followed along on our Costa Rican adventure, you might be surprised to learn the experience is directly related to Coffee With A Stranger. In fact, Houston friend Jon Campbell introduced me Cup 5, Steve Harper, who introduced me to Cup 55, Joey McGirr, who connected me to Cup 59, Brad Closson who suggested I interview Cup 72, Mike Leamon who introduced me to his girlfriend Lisa Morgan, who sent me the email that led me to Gwen Rhodes and the opportunity to run a B&B and coffee shop in Costa Rica. See how cool that is? Proving that not only are you six people away from Kevin Bacon, but you’re probably just six people away from achieving any dream you have. That’s powerful!

Aside from the individual stories, I’ve been exposed to ideas and had conversations I never would have imagined. I spent a good 30 minutes learning about sexuality and gender and how the two are not the same thing during my conversation with Cup 81, Sam Killermann. I heard what it felt like to be deeply involved in the Exxon Valdez oil spill when I interviewed the man who was Governor of Alaska at the time, Cup 91, Steve Cowper. Mortality reared its ugly head when the man I was scheduled to have coffee with next died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was still able to hear and share the story of Cup 62, Scott Robinson by way of coffees with some of his close friends, Cup 63, Paul O’Brien, Cup 64, Andrew Tull, Cup 65, Mike Millard and Cup 66, Jim Bledsoe. So many amazing stories of people I may have never known if it weren’t for Coffee With A Stranger.

Are You Writing A Book Or What?

The book will be written. In fact, it’s in progress at this moment, and page by page, the story of Coffee With A Stranger is unfolding. Like the stories of the strangers who agreed to be a part of this wacky project, in the sharing of the story, big aha’s are uncovered and tiny little nuggets of gold are unearthed, revealing the real treasure buried beneath. These treasures are the reason the project continues and are the message I feel compelled to share.

For those who opted for the Cliff’s Notes in high school, rather than read To Kill A Mockingbird, or who like to flip to the end of the book to see how the story will end, I’d say you have the ending. Talk to strangers. Your life will be better for it.

For those who are here as much for the story as you are for the moral of it, you will enjoy the book when it’s finished. You will be touched, and inspired. You will laugh out loud, but will need tissues close by. You will see yourself in the stories of people you’ve never met and you will want to know and have coffee with them for yourselves.

But for that special little group of you who devoured Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys or enjoyed the choose your own adventure stories, this book is being written just for you. You are my people. You are curious – always full of questions with the motto “seek first to understand”. People say things about you like, “He’ll talk to anyone,” or “She’s never met a stranger.”

The barista at your favorite coffee shop, the guy who came to fix your heater last winter, the girl with the bright smile who checks your groceries – you want to know their stories. When someone close to you passes on, a huge part of your sadness is the questions that went unanswered, or worse yet, unasked.

You know in your heart we are all connected and that we are all unique and fascinating chapters in one huge and exquisite story. Your story is my story and my story is yours. And this book is dedicated to you, my soul sisters and brothers.

It’s Up To You

But this gift comes with responsibility. The book is the story of the story and the lessons learned along the way. But the last part of the book is the most important. It’s the call, the encouragement and the road map to start a similar project for yourself. It likely won’t look the same as mine – in fact I have no doubt it will be infinitely more interesting and amazing. But the curious among us play an important role in building community and connections. It’s our job to start the conversations.

Every friend was once a stranger and someone is only a stranger until you share that first smile, handshake or hug. Go forward and go deep, curious seekers. My oh my, the stories you’ll share!

Thank you all for your support of the project. It turns out, publishers like to see people engaging with the project and sharing it with their friends. It would mean the world to me if you’d take a moment and leave a comment below. Also, if you feel so inclined, please share this post and the project with people you think might enjoy reading it. Finally, the project has a Facebook page that could use a little love. If you haven’t already “liked” the Coffee With A Stranger Facebook page, it would be so lovely if you did!

Do something, do nothing, or do it all. I’m just glad you’re here, along for the ride, and I look forward to sharing the next 100 cups!