So, I mentioned that not every review on this blog was going to be a book. Here is an example. This post is on a conference session I attended this week at the Texas Conference for Women that knocked my socks off! The session was titled: The Inspirational Leader: Harnessing the Power of Courage, Authenticity, and Vulnerability by Brené Brown.

So why a conference session this week instead of a book? Because I got more out of that one hour session than I get out of 80% of the books I’ve read. And that’s not a slight to the books on my shelves – that is just a testament to the powerful session Brené shared.

Ready for a few of the life/game changers? Here we go!

Leadership
As defined by Merriam Webster:
Noun:

1. The action of leading a group of people or an organization.
2. The state or position of being a leader.

Brown’s definition (not verbatim as she talked quickly and I was balancing being present with note-taking):

The courage to be accountable to finding the possibilities that exist
  within other people.       
  
Yes! That is much better.

She talked about the difference between motivating people and inspiring people. The truth is, we think we need to be motivated. Or that we need to work harder at motivating others. But in reality, we all just want to be inspired! That’s how you can explain our obsession with watching and re-watching YouTube videos of seemingly regular folks belting out a song 50x more beautifully that Britney Spears or Miley Cyrus. Or how about that Flash Mob surprise Oprah got? I cry EVERY time I see it. Why? I don’t know. But I do. And it somehow inspires me to be a nicer person and want to make a difference in the world. Motivation pushes people and inspiration pulls them. No one likes to be pushed.

Key take-away: Less motivation and more INSPIRATION!

So, what gets in the way of success? Dr. Brown suggests a somewhat surprising answer. Quick, think of one or two things you would suspect. What do you believe gets in the way of your success? Here are some often given answers:

• Lack of knowledge/experience
• Fears – of whatever…success, failure, public speaking, etc.
• Not enough time, money, opportunity
• Don’t have the right contacts/connections
• No discipline or will power
• On, and on, and on…

Brown suggests something that might surprise you as it did me. After years of research and countless interviews, it comes down to shame. Shame? Yes, shame.

So what is shame? The feeling of not being enough. Smart enough, good enough, funny enough, attractive enough, driven enough, skinny enough – you get the idea.

And here are a few other things about shame:

1. We all have it. Everyone! In fact, the only people who don’t experience shame are those who have serious mental health issues – like sociopaths.
2. No one wants it. Can’t dispute that one.
3. The less we talk about it, the more we have. And no one wants to talk about it.

Here is something that many of us will admit to having – perfectionism. In fact, maybe it’s just me (I hope not), but some of us wear it as some sort of badge of honor. “Well sorry, I’m just a bit of a perfectionist I guess.” Said with a smug faux-apologetic tone. Guilty!

Perfectionism, it turns out, is really just shame wrapped up in a tailored shirt, perfectly polished shoes with all the appropriate matching accessories. And make no mistake, perfectionism is not the same thing as “healthy striving”. No one would argue that drive equals shame. Shame is an attempt at doing something perfectly in an attempt to prove that we are enough and that we are good. We try to protect ourselves from the shame and judgement by executing something perfectly. And no matter how well we do something, is it ever perfect? Not to a “perfectionist”.

This problem is wide-spread. We now live in a culture of “not enough.” We get up in the morning and our first thought is “I didn’t get enough sleep.” We slog through our days and when we return to the pillow our final thought before drifting off to sleep,”I didn’t get enough done today.”

Young people are experiencing this like no generation before them. These are the kids who those of us who grew up in a time before “everyone gets a trophy and a gold star” secretly laugh about and think, “They have no idea how much work it takes to really succeed.” Or “They don’t know what losing feels like.” Or “They will be in for a rude awakening when they get into the ‘real world’.”

While its true that Gen Y and the Millennials have bookshelves full of soccer trophies (whether they played soccer or not), they also have a higher bar. These kids have grown up with stories of their successful peers like Mark Zuckerberg who created Facebook or Google co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin. They have been fed the message: it’s not enough to be good. It’s not even enough to be great. You must be extraordinary. (Never before have I wished that along-side Bold, Italics and Underline their was Sparkle. Imagine with me that extraordinary is lit up and sparkling.)

Extraordinary. An adjective whose very existence is dependent upon another word – ordinary. But kids today have learned that ordinary is shameful. So let’s assume, generously, that 10% of people could be considered extraordinary – that leaves 90% of young people feeling not enough. Ashamed.

Key take-away: Let’s admit we experience shame and let’s commit to telling ourselves a new story. A story that begins like this: I am enough. I’m imperfect, but I am enough! And let’s help young people realize that their story starts the same way.

Next post will be Part 2 of the Inspirational Leadership conference recap and my musings and observations.