The Coffee Shop: J&S Bean Factory in St. Paul

The Cup: Regular old coffee, for both of us.

The Connection: Want to know a secret? One of the coolest parts of having this little project is that I always have a legitimate excuse to contact interesting people and invite them for coffee. Another cool thing is that my friends have “Stranger radar” and when they cross paths with someone interesting, they insist I must have coffee with the person. That’s precisely how this coffee came to be. My friend Ericka attended TEDx Minneapolis a few weeks back and returned with raving reviews and a directive – you must have coffee with two people. One of those people was Jane.

Ericka didn’t say a whole lot, other than explaining to me that Jane was a death doula and that her message was profound. I was immediately interested! For years, probably since I worked at a hospice in Texas, I have been fascinated with our society’s reluctance to discuss death – even when it was clearly knocking at the door. As natural as birth, and as universal an experience as breathing, we resist discussing death, almost as if the mention of the word will hasten its arrival.

Jane and I talked A LOT about death – but did manage to cover other topics as well – the best chocolate cake, books worth reading and renovating, and renting houseboats — just to name a few. But before we dive into all that goodness, let’s cover a few:

Common Grounds

1. How did you make your first buck? My first three jobs were as a dishwasher. It’s very satisfying work. Dirty to clean, dirty to clean. I liked being in a kitchen, working with all the different people and eating the old pie that they’re going to throw away. {That’s a job perk!}
2. What book should be required reading for everyone? The Five Invitations by Frank Ostaseki. It’s about the five invitations that death offers to inform your life.
3. What’s a podcast you love? Terrible, Thank for Asking, by Nora McInery, whose husband died at 28. She also wrote a book, It’s Okay to Laugh (Crying’s Cool Too). She’s funny. It’s all these sad stories about death and grief and loss, but of course that’s what I’m all about. Also, I enjoy End of Life University with Karen Wyatt.
4. What’s a food you can’t live without? Six minute chocolate cake by Moosewood with espresso ice cream. {As Jane described the ooey, gooey goodness of this cake, I thought, I MUST make it! In case you’re feeling the same way, I included a link to the recipe…you’re welcome!}
5. What’s your guilty pleasure? I’m dating a guy and he lives on a houseboat on an island on the Mississippi. He has these hammock chairs, and we just hang out there. I feel like I get out on the river and I can breathe – often, for the first time all day. I realize I’ve been walking around all day, not breathing. I get in the hammock and I finally breathe. It happens every time I go.

Love at First Sight

Jane was in college when she met Rob. He was working at a vintage clothing store in Minneapolis called Tatters (and above it was a music store called Platters). Jane told me she walked in the store, locked eyes with Rob, and it was love at first sight. She says, “I was overwhelmed by how happy he was. He had this huge smile and I was like, ‘what’s that guy so happy about?’” Jane was away at college, but every time she was back in town, she’d stop in the store and flirt a bit. She tells me, “It was 6-8 months before we spoke. I’d walk around the store and shop, then as I was leaving, I’d get to the door and look back and share a look.” Eventually they spoke and Jane told him she liked a band, The Contras. He later told her he went to every Contras concert looking for her. Finally, one night at a Contras gig she says, “I turned around and he was right behind me.”  Her eyes light up as she shares this love story. After a pause, she smiles and adds, “He was a good dude.”

First Life

Jane was a middle school social studies teacher, an athletic director and a coach. She married that sweet, smiley Rob, who became a K-8 Principal. They adopted two sons. Like for many young families, life was a series of highs and lows. One day while Jane was at work, she got a call from Rob that changed their lives forever.

Jane sums it up, “He got kidney cancer and 4 months later he died. After that, I had this new appreciation for how fleeting life is, and I really wanted to figure out why I’m here. I knew I wasn’t going to do what I was doing before, because that’s not why I’m here. So I followed my intuition.”

Jane recounts that following Rob’s death, she was obsessed with grief and dying, and because she was now a single parent to a 9 and a 12 year old, she spent a lot of time doing research about kids and loss, and how they process grief.

Rob passed away on Christmas, and the following June, Jane and the boys went on a seven-month road trip. Jane says, “I had a 12 year old and I could just tell I was losing him. I’m always asking questions of the universe. Before I went to bed one night I asked, ‘What am I supposed to do?’ I woke up and it was crystal clear.

The answer Jane awoke to: take them out of school, rent your house, get a little mini RV, go to all the amazing, beautiful places…and bring them back to life. She said, “I know my friends and family thought I was crazy! But I did it, and it was amazing! When their (the boys’) grief hit, they couldn’t escape. They couldn’t go to their room and slam the door. Every day was the best day and the worst day. When I think about it now, I wonder how I could ever have done it. In our relationship, Rob was the driver. He made all the plans – I hated thinking about plans. It was really important to me that I prove to the kids, and to myself, that I could do it. That I could do all of it.”

New Beginnings

When Jane and the kids came home from their big adventure, she heard about end of life doulas and signed up for a training program in New York. She volunteered her services at Fairview Hospice and a year ago, launched her death doula business. When I ask how business is going, she says, “No one knows what an end of life doula is. And the people who really need me are in crisis already, so I find myself doing a lot of educating. Sharing how thinking about your death, planning for it, imagining it – how that changes the way you live. Because you realize how everything is just crazy fragile. So why waste time raging on the highway or doing all the stuff we do that’s just so ridiculous.” I nod along as she says all this – and yet have to admit I get caught up in things that have very little significance…All. The. Time.

Day In The Life

I’m curious about what the work of a death doula looks like and Jane explains, “Not what I thought it would look like. I thought it would look like sitting vigil with people. People would call when they needed a break. I’d be supporting them, making sure people are eating and drinking, going on short breaks, making food if I need to, or sitting with the person. But in reality I get all kinds of other things I wasn’t expecting. Like people whose partner has passed months ago and they’re trying to work through their grief. They don’t really want to talk to a therapist, but they want to talk to somebody who’s been through it. So I do some of that. Or I have a woman now who is in her 40’s and has pancreatic cancer and two little kids. So she’s wondering what can she do to get her kids ready, what can she do for her spouse – what kind of ground work can she lay and what can she do about a death plan? All that kind of stuff – getting all your ducks in a row, as well as processing the emotions of  it all. I’m doing way more speaking engagements and talking at aging-in-place facilities. I really want to do more family nights – where you have the living will right there, and everyone can talk about it together.

My fantasy about doing my work is that when people turn 18, they create a living will. They talk with their people about what they want, everybody gets super clear, everybody knows where it is and by doing so, you’re also planting the seed in this 18 year old ; ‘You know you aren’t going to be here forever. So make stuff count!’ But in reality, that doesn’t ever happen.”

Planning A Funeral

It hard to escape having regrets after losing someone. Jane says, if possible, you should plan your own funeral, or at least lay the groundwork.  And she says to write letters! “Whoever has medical power of attorney – you need to write them a letter, absolving them of any future regret and just say, ‘Thank you! I trusted you the most of anybody here, and I assume things came up that neither of us could have predicted. Don’t beat yourself up about it.’ I made my husband plan his funeral and he was a trooper about it. I made him write letters to my boys and it was hard. He got them each a Swiss army knife, which is what his dad gave to him when he turned 13, and he said when the boys turn 13 I was to give them their knife. Then he was like, ‘Now I gotta write a letter to you,’ and I said, ‘No, you don’t.’ But now I wonder, why didn’t I make him write me a letter?”

Grief Camp

I ask Jane about a simple change that’s made a huge difference in her life, and she tells me it’s yoga. She said, “When Rob died, my friends came over with a yoga mat and a gift card to CorePower. Yoga was my grief camp. I did it every day. I dropped the kids off, went to yoga, came home and watched Rob videos for 3 hours and bawled my eyes out, then I’d sleep, go get the boys, and I’d have just enough energy to order a pizza. Yoga totally saved my life. The focus on breath, being in the moment, and being in my body. Totally grounding!”

Entrepreneur x2

When I ask Jane about the most significant thing that’s happened in the last 30 days, she tells me she and her boyfriend are starting a business. He’s a lifelong houseboat enthusiast, and Jane has caught the bug now too. So they are working together to fix one up and are planning to rent it out on AirBnB. How cool is that? I’ve already made her swear to let me be her first paying guest – so watch for a follow-up after my stay! She showed me a video of her view from the river and I have to say, it’s incredible!!!

Go Outside & Go Inside

A lesson Jane has learned that she doesn’t want to learn again is about boundaries. She says, “When I don’t set them and I get uncomfortable – I get pissed. And boundaries isn’t just saying no, but picking for yourself what you want to be true to. Honing the ability to listen to yourself – and trust it. We don’t need anyone else’s approval. We always override the voice inside us, and it’s our best tool. The more we listen to it, the better it gets and the more accurate it gets.  We need to be quiet to hear it. We can’t be on our phone, or on Netflix. Go outside and try to find your voice.”

If given 30 seconds to make a speech to the world, Jane’s message is simple, “Do you. It’s not easy, but you’ve got to own it. Own your life. Don’t give it away!”

Into Action

• Check out Jane’s website and enjoy her blog. I suggest reading this blog post – but fair warning, it may cause a wetness of the eyes. So honest and full of love! I’ll share her TEDx talk as soon as it’s posted. If you want to watch for it, here is the website.
• Make Moosewood’s 6 minute chocolate cake … and invite me over! 🙂 
• Practice breathing. Close your eyes and for a few moments, notice your breath. Then slowly and mindfully begin to lengthen your inhalation, pause, and then lengthen your exhalation. Matching the count of the inhale with the exhale is calming and grounding. Give it a try.
• Make time for quiet so you can hear the wisdom of your inner voice.  Be ready to be amazed at what you discover!
• Tell the people in your life how you want your death handled. It’s not morbid – it’s real. We’re all going to die someday. And the kindest, most loving thing you can do for those who will be missing you the most, is to remove the guilt and uncertainty about making choices for you when you’re gone. Make the choices. Put it in writing. Have a conversation.
• Write love letters to the people who matter most to you. If tomorrow never came for you, what would you want them to know? Tell them, in writing. It’s important they know what’s in your heart when you’re gone. And even more important that they know it while you’re alive.

Until next time, you incredible human – be well, love big and stay curious! xo